Obviously, I haven’t posted for a couple a weeks now. Totally lame, I know. It’s totally lame, not because I’m sure everyone is dying to hear what I have to say, but because writing is how I deal. Writing is how I organize my thoughts a little. I have not been organizing my thoughts and I have been purposefully avoiding doing this for two weeks now.
This is relapse country for me. Relapsing isn’t necessarily about the chemicals I put in my body. Relapse is about the mindset I adopt. I know I’m headed to a bad place when I start shutting down emotionally, isolating, and avoiding. My avoidance seems to start off innocently enough. At first I’m just reading , nothing wrong with reading and who doesn’t like a good book? Then all I’m doing is reading; not communicating, not getting out of the house much, not taking care of myself. I still feel reasonably good about myself, though, because I’m not drinking so I think I’m all aces.
The problem is that sticking my nose in a book for hours on end doesn’t make any of the problems or negative emotions go away. I can keep reading but I’m still unable to get away from the lurking anxiety and depression I feel creeping up. Pretty soon the books won’t be enough, I’ll need a drink or a pill to help me detach from these feelings I don’t want to feel.
The last two weeks sort of helped me clarify a pattern I’ve been in since beginning recovery. I’ve hinted at a little so far but today I broke it down into an easy set of drawn diagrams. Check this out:
Realize I’m depressed and really fed up with life as it currently is. Decide to take action and start working on myself. First step, of course, get sober.
Okay, sweet! Got sober and now I feel like I am on top of the world and I can achieve anything.
Get a little mental clarity and realize that I have some huge issues in my life that must be dealt with besides my addiction. Okay, I’ll just come out and say it; I’m not in a good relationship and I don’t know how to end it.
So far in my recovery my choice has been to take the easy route; screw this emotional bullshit and I am going back to drinking.
Seriously? and what is the definition of insanity? I keep thinking somehow I’m going to get different results from my relationship. I suppose it’s not wrong to want the person you’ve spent years with to get sober with you. It is wrong to keep staying with a person who keeps dragging you backward, though.
I guess after three years of trying it’s time to move on and accept that I can’t change anyone but myself. I’m just terrified because I know this most likely will come some pain and some tears, things I really try to avoid. How much more pain and tears will there be if I choose to do nothing, though? What about my the tears and the pain I have when I relapse? What about wanting to grow into someone better? No growth comes without pain.
I just can’t help but think about how much this is going to suck…and that drink sounds awfully good…
Art by me.